How to understand that I am a daffodil?
We know a lot about how to recognize the daffodil in another. But can we see the narcissistic features in ourselves and try to adjust them?
It’s not so difficult to notice the narcissistic “sorrinka” in another: many materials will help to see pathological features in a partner, boss or acquaintance.
It is much more difficult to discover such a problem in yourself. Psychologist, author of the world “The World of the Narcissistic Sacrifice” Anastasia Dolganova talked with us about why it is not easy to admit the presence of the same features that do not like people with a narcissistic personality disorder. And also told what the Narcissus and his victim are similar and what the therapist will help if you find that you look more like the “main villain of modernity” than you would like.
Psychologies: It is believed that daffodils are such narcissistic types that are delighted with themselves and all day ready to brag about their successes. Is it so?
Anastasia Dolganova: To begin with, I remind you that narcissism is a serious violation of self -esteem, in which a person internally feels empty, inappropriate, unworthy and compensates for this through an external grand image, grandiose fantasies and requirements. If we suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder, we manipulate others, so that they fuele us with admiration, adoration, praise, obedience, respect, and so on. At the same time, insignificance is the same pronounced side of narcissism as the grandeur. The main mental forces of narcissism are focused on supporting flawed self -esteem by idealizing and depreciating.
Also, such people are characterized by the use of projective identification: this mechanism helps the Narcissus place their own “objectionable” feelings and qualities in other people in such a way that they really begin to feel and behave so. The main affects (pronounced mental processes) of the narcissist are toxic shame and envy and deep rage.
Narcissus relations with others are ambiguous: he really needs other people to maintain self -esteem. But the feelings of the narcissus are superficial to them, and people themselves are easily replaced.
Every day, new articles and videos about narcissism appear on the Internet, books are published about „irresistible and murderously beautiful”. We learned to see them in others, but does this mean that narcissistic features are so alien to all of us?
Our psyche is complex, and the narcissistic component in it also has. Moreover, we are all narcissistic, that is, we are absorbed by ourselves and perceive the world around us and people as a source of satisfaction of our needs, at least two periods of our development. In early childhood (somewhere up to 3 years) and in adolescence, our development tasks are best satisfied through narcissism.
In pathological cases, narcissism does not stimulate, but freezes the development. Normally, it is sometimes important for each of us to feel great and grandiose. Performance in public, or the implementation of professional ambitions, or restoration after severe betrayal is that which requires primitive idealization and depreciation. These internal forces relate precisely to the narcissistic component of any personality.
How to determine that the narcissistic component is present in an adequate volume? How to understand that there is too much or too little?
The easiest criterion is temporary and adequacy to the context. Temporarily idealizing yourself in public – normal, constantly idealizing yourself in a relationship – abnormally. Have temporary difficulties with self -esteem after failure – adequately, constantly need external feeding to feel good – violation.
Daffodils experience persistent experiences associated with shame. These experiences do not leave them at all, or leave them for a very short time. Relations with others are violated: they mainly are manipulative, but there are no deep feelings in them. The owners of pronounced narcissistic features are constantly fantasize about greatness, and these fantasies diverge from the real state of affairs. Here are the signs that the narcissistic features are expressed in a pathological degree.
Yourself to notice narcissism is quite simple. But it is almost impossible to adjust it alone
The story of “little narcissistic features”, most likely, is about insignificant narcissism. With him, self-esteem problems have quite narcissistic severity and resistance, but grandiose compensation for some reason did not take place.
Is it possible to find out a narcissist in yourself, see the symptoms of a disorder? Sam Vaknin, author of books about narcissism, seemed to be able to do this.
Sam Vaknin I still think a showman. What does he really happen to him there – I don’t take it: how and what he noticed, what protection he coped with. I don’t think that in this sense you can focus on it. But a narcissistic personality disorder can be seen. In psychotherapeutic practice, problems usually do not arise with this if you act not through shame, but through empathy. And if you have doubts, you can ask yourself the following questions (and, of course, give the most honest answers to them):
- Do I have chronic, difficult problems with self -esteem? Does my opinion differ about myself with polarities „I am a great – I am insignificant”? Is it good for me to treat myself if I do not do anything great or if I show weakness, fatigue, fear?
- Do I feel strong envy or strong shame that arise when someone else achieves more than I?
- Are I interested in those that they can give me personally to me personally? Are I angry when loved ones behave differently that I need? Is my attachment deep to them, I doubt that this is love, for example?
- Do I fantasize that I am a great person? For example, a talented entrepreneur, an excellent lover that I am smarter than everyone else that I am worthy of more and better?
- Do I try to captivate new friends, even if this is not necessarily in the context of what is happening (for example, strangers on a train, or a doctor at a reception, or a wife’s friend)? Is it important for these people? Does my attitude towards them depend on how I succeeded?
- Do I strive to stay at parties and meetings to the end, in fear that I will miss something?
- Is it difficult for me to fulfill the promises given to other people?
- Is it difficult for me to work long and systematically?
- If I have to experience failure – does it seem to me that others are to blame, for example, a stupid partner or wife, who did not support me enough? Do I feel rage and desire to take revenge on them?
- Do I expect from the life of luck or other magical help (from shamans, spiritual practices, singing bowls and so on) that will allow my difficulties and lead me to success? Do I count on it more than myself and my work?
And so on. You can still use expanded questionnaires, for example, or this . Sometimes a partner with a narcissistic disorder sends a signal to a loved one: „This is not me a daffodil, it’s you Narcissus”. This is typical of close relationships that a person with a narcissistic personality disorder builds so that they can benefit from them. The open acceptance of its narcissism is contrary to this concept, so it most often never happens. That is, a person with NRL can know about his narcissism, but will not be recognized in him.
If we notice narcissistic features, we can Lee we somehow smooth them on our own, adjust them?
Yourself to notice narcissism is quite simple. But it is almost impossible to adjust it alone. Moreover, with a serious severity of narcissistic violation, complicated by pronounced manipulative tendencies or antisocial inclinations (that is, ethical disorders), psychotherapy will not help and psychotherapy! In lighter forms, narcissism is adjusted, softened. In successful cases – over the years and life experience, in itself, in others – with the help of specialists.
It is difficult to make correction independently, because, suffering from narcissistic disorder, we experience a severe, toxic sense of shame, if at least a little deviate from the concept “I am a great”. We have distorted ideas about peace and ethics, there is no stable and realistic self -support, and mental defense systems fiercely resist the changes.
What role does the Narcissus partner play in his life?
The need for a person with a person with a narcissistic personality disorder can be described using
the term „narcissistic expansion”.
This means that the partner himself as such with narcissism is not particularly interested in, but he needs a person-modification, a sort of addition to himself. After all, the Narcissus does not have enough own resources to fulfill the tasks of its impaired psyche.
In relation to others, people who suffer from daffodils within their relations often manifest themselves as daffodils
To ensure these tasks, it is necessary that the partner meets two important criteria.
Firstly, he must support the external grandeur of the narcissist. For external grandeur, he himself must be a kind of medal, confirmation of the status. Smart, successful, charismatic, noticeable people in society attract daffodils, because they increase their own value. „I have a cool wife” means for the daffodil „I am cool myself”.
Secondly, the partner must support the internal grandeur of the narcissist. To do this, with the help of projective identification, he becomes a kind of warehouse for all those things that the daffodil does not tolerate. Depending on situations, it can be a variety of feelings and qualities.
For example, the Narcissus partner can consider himself cowardly, lazy, controlling, dominant, aggressive, anxious, liability, changer, consumer, provocateur, hypocrite, rejecting, cold, manipulating and so on. Thus, he, as it were, liberates the Narcissus himself from these qualities and gives him the opportunity to experience himself as the opposite: warm, active, bold and so on.
